Won over again.

An electric blanket and a few ciders and I’m won over once again.

I can’t leave him now, he’s got me an electric blanket.  How can I tell him to leave, he wants to use it too, he’s put it on the bed and has made an effort.  He’s being nice.  Though in the bedroom department of course he takes and takes but doesn’t give anything back.

When am I ever going to learn?  This is the game he plays with me all the time and I fall for it.  Strange thing is I know it yet still fall for it.  What is wrong with me?

 

 

 

 

Lies

So the day started with the sound of my youngest coming into my room and into my bed and waking me up.

Finally i get into work some 3 hours later, and here we go again, yet more lies of the narcissist uncovered.  So paranoid I check out his phone and hey presto, he had lied to me about something else.  It’s almost as though he actually believes he is telling the truth.  It’s strange.  Im angry but each little thing he does is a step closer to me ending it.

Its very clear he doesn’t love me now.  He is clinging to his wife’s apron strings.  She can have him.  It’s fine by me.  Please take him off my hands…

Waking up.

fragile

Each day I wake up with a sick feeling.  Its such an effort to drag my sorry arse out of the bed.  I have so much to do, but no inclination.  I get up because I have no choice.  My wonderful children need me, and we have to keep on keeping on.

Every step is an effort, every movement I make tires me a little more.  I can hear him, he keeps on and on, its incessant.  Sometimes he is here, and sometimes he is not, it depends on his ex-partner still known as his wife.  When the Narcissist has his children he takes care of them in his other house he rents away from me.  Another way of making me feel like a horrible useless person.   You see this narcissist has no intention of getting a divorce, or living a life with me and my kids.  He also has no intention of committing to me, and I know it.  Isn’t that the really sad thing about all of this.  Nothing is going to change, but still I choose to remain in this miserable state, waiting… waiting for absolutely nothing to happen.  Nothing keeps on happening, and I do nothing about it.

The reason….

Narcissists at the beginning promise you the world and everything that it has to offer.  You believe you are going to have the most amazing life you had dreamed of and wanted all your life.

But slowly and gradually like wringing out a wet towel all of that is drained from you.  You still have belief and faith in this person though.  They must have meant it, they love you right?  I cant believe he wouldn’t want me to be happy, that he has duped me all this time.

I hang on for something, a little hint of something positive, a compliment or a kind gesture, it will come.

In the clutches of a narcissist.

The life I lead, with a narcissistic individual leads me to feel like I am going crazy.  Feeling uneasy and paranoid on a daily basis.  The hold he has on me, the control, the manipulations, often too hard to bear, but still I am here, in the depths of despair, feeling like I have no way out.

I know there are others like me, and I want to reach out, but sometimes it feels so lonely, like I am the only one going through it.  Occasionally I see a glimmer of hope, I have a feeling of a life without him and I feel a moment of excitement, only to be dashed when he brings me back down to his Earth with a bump.

He has no clue what he is doing, it is in his DNA to be this way.  He cant help it, and so I must stand by and be treat this way!  Is that truly the case?

Every part of me is drained and lost, and I cannot find the old me anymore.  She disappeared along time ago, somewhere out of reach.  I want her back.  She had sense, she understood that this wasn’t right.  She would not of stood for this treatment.

When I look in the mirror I see a fragile reflection, not the strong person I used to see.  Who have I become and how will I get myself out of this mess?